The hidden reason modern men don't commit

The myth of emotional unavailability. How modern women can shift the dynamic to inspire more commitment.

I too fell for what I like to now call “the myth of the emotionally unavailable man.”

Did I say myth? You bet I did.

We love to diagnose men that drop off, pull away, ghost, or pull the “not ready” card as being emotionally unavailable, but let me tell you - there is more to this story. In fact, I’m about to let you in on a completely different explanation - and one that in my opinion is way more optimistic.

But first, tell me if this scenario feels all too familiar: You meet a guy. Conversation is good, he’s texting you, planning dates. But things kind of just ~plateau.~ He’s not introducing you to his parents, he’s not calling you (still sending memes on Instagram though), he’s not planning a weekend getaway, and you just don’t really feel like he’s as obsessed with you as he should be. Eventually maybe you express your concerns. He balks, but ultimately admits that he doesn’t really feel ready for a relationship, but loves you as a friend.

And you think…WTF.

Am I right or am I right?!!?!

Social media will tell you that this is just modern dating. Men are non-committal because they are emotionally unavailable, Avoidant, or have too many options.

And while I agree that dating apps have made all of us more picky (especially for superficial things that don’t really matter), after studying and coaching women on male-female dynamics for the last 3 years, I discovered something totally different: most men aren’t unavailable. They’re uninspired.

What’s actually going on with men

I didn’t just pull this theory out of thin air - I’ve seen it play out with clients, my male friends, and even my own relationship. My boyfriend was single for nearly a decade before he committed to me (which on TikTok, is def a red flag lol). My single male friends self-labeled as emotionally unavailable, yet when they met the right women, they had no problem committing or even proposing.

Those men weren’t unavailable, they were actually just unmotivated to commit.

And this lack of motivation happens when men aren’t dating from their masculine psyches.

You see, his masculine psyche is a huge part of what motivates him to take himself off the market, leave an independent lifestyle and devote himself to a particular woman. It drives him to support, protect and provide. It’s what inspires him to keep moving the connection forward — calling you after work, planning trips, and setting up dinners to intro you to their grandma. And it’s what makes him intentional in his pursuit rather than what so many women have experienced: the dreaded “Let’s just go with the flow.”

This all sounds nice, right? But why does it seem so rare that a man behaves this way in dating? And what do modern women have to do with it? Let’s break it down.

Why modern men lack masculinity

I spoke about this at length in my post: Why Modern Dating is Collapsing, so I’ll just briefly explain a few of the cultural reasons why many men have lost access to their masculine psyche, especially in the last few decades, before sharing how modern women play a role.

• Therapy overdevelops a man’s feminine psyche while leaving his masculine psyche hanging: While therapy teaches men emotional literacy and self awareness, talking about problems and feeling feelings does not teach men the crucial skills of the masculine psyche: leadership, action, structure, courage, clarity, and commitment. Those are skills that must be learned in the real world, not in a therapy chair.

• Corporate careers strip men of impact: While some men do nurture their mature masculine psyche in their careers - think leadership roles, entrepreneurship, sales roles with quotas, or physical labor, a LOT of men are in roles where they feel diminished, undervalued, or simply meaningless. The corporate world does a number on women, but it can be equally detrimental for men - collecting a bi-weekly paycheck for just shuffling papers does not give them a sense of accomplishment or impact in the world.

• Technology has disrupted developing rejection resilience: Technology has given men the cop-out of playing video games and surfing Reddit versus actually getting out there in the real world, asking an attractive woman out, and of course, getting rejected. Courage and strength comes from trying and failing — and a video game character getting blown up does not count.

How women play a role:

Like I mentioned, modern women also influence this dynamic. Because while it’s a beautiful thing that women have pursued careers, it’s created a generation of women who are constantly in their masculine psyche due to our society’s reward system around doing. You may feel you’re being feminine by supporting, therapizing, cooking, creating conversation, buying sweet gifts, thinking of him, etc — but that’s actually masculinity in disguise.

When a woman directs her energy outward on a man, she is inadvertently leading him. And because of the laws of polarity, this pushes a man into his feminine, which is exactly why he stops directing his energy to you and ultimately committing. This creates flipped polarity dynamics.

The good news is that you can absolutely put a man into his masculine psyche — even with all of the cultural influences outside of your control. You have a lot more power than you think. So let’s talk about it.

The real reason relationships plateau: he’s not making micro-investments

A man commits when three things happen:

• He’s in his mature masculine psyche

• He’s with a woman who he feels emotionally connected to

• The woman and him are compatible

There’s so much to say about creating emotional intimacy with a man (which btw, is not the way you create an emotional connection with a girlfriend) and dating for compatibility, but for this post, I’ll focus on the mature masculinity piece.

For a man to be in his mature masculinity, he needs to make increasing micro-investments in you over time. When a man plans a first date, pays for dinner, and texts to make sure you got home okay, those are three micro-investments. This initially puts him in his masculine psyche, and it explains why things seem to be going well and “moving forward” at first.

The problem is, most women quickly start making more micro-investments in him, which takes away his opportunity to lead and move further into mature masculinity. You might think he’s investing in you because he’s paying for dinner, but investments are not just financial, they are emotional and energetic.

When you ask a personal question, hold space for him while he vents about his boss, follow up on his work presentation, bring him a coffee, drive to his neck of the woods, or cook him homemade pasta, you are making micro-investments in him. (PS. Read my post, 6 signs you are dating from your masculine for a deeper dive on this!)

Now this doesn’t mean that you should never do those things - that would be crazy!!! Of course you should show him you care about him and his wellbeing. The problem with most polarity conversations is that people take it to the extreme. A woman hears this and goes from making a lot of micro-investments to pulling back entirely. I call this “star-fishing,” and it will quickly sabotage the relationship because it can be misconstrued for a lack of interest or devotion. This is important, so read it again.

The goal is to rather, create more balance by leaning into your feminine psyche, which will support him in moving into his masculine psyche. This can be as simple as:

• Pausing and checking in with yourself during a conversation versus jumping to fill space, ask another question, ultimately leading the interaction

• Noticing how him bringing you a coffee feels in your body and expressing that feeling with your body, energy and words - rather than bringing him coffee or even just saying thank you

• Being vulnerable and sharing a problem you’re having at work, and allowing him the opportunity to support you versus asking him about his work or coaching him around his entrepreneurial dreams

The feminine psyche is all about you going inward and expressing your internal world, including desires, sensations, feelings, thoughts, joys, gratitudes, and needs back to him. That is your own form of leadership and the best way you can both invest in him and encourage his investments in you.

And ultimately, when men get into the habit, rhythm, and pattern of making micro-investments in you, it’s only natural for them to make larger investments in you, like commitment, moving in, and marriage. Men invest in things they care about. The more you allow him to invest in you, the more he’s going to care. This is how a relationship grows versus plateaus. It’s actually simple, but can be tough to execute.

This is exactly what happened with me and my man. I went from being in my masculine psyche to my feminine psyche (read about our story here!). I shared my heart with him (my internal world). And I allowed him to make micro-investments in me over time which led to macro-investments: booking a week long vacation for us, introducing me to his family, moving back to Denver, and ultimately moving in together.

A note on emotionally unavailable men & how to move forward

I want to clarify that some men are absolutely emotionally unavailable. Some women are too! But I believe it’s over-diagnosed. Like I said, if I had been using an Instagram checklist to assess my man when I first met him, I would have absolutely labeled him as emotionally unavailable!! Understanding if someone is emotionally unavailable takes way more than a list of red flags - it’s something you see by observing him over time as well as tuning into your nervous system and instincts.

The truth is - there is soooo much nuance to relationships. And beyond that, being in your feminine psyche is less of a checklist and more of a mindset, a lifestyle, and a way of being in the world. It’s not something you can master by reading a list of ten tips - it takes embodiment, somatic work, and a lot of intentional practice.

But what I want you to know is that men don’t commit because you’ve perfectly psychoanalyzed them and know how to cater to their preferences (thank god!!!). They commit when they feel like they don’t have a choice — because of how drawn they are to you. This is exactly what men mean when they say they met “the right woman.” And when you shift into your feminine psyche, stop diagnosing them as unavailable and start creating a polarized dynamic, it motivates them to step up — for you.

This is exactly what I’ll be guiding women through in my two BRAND NEW offers, which I’m announcing here on Substack before I share anywhere else (because y’all are my people!!!)

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If you have any questions, send me a DM here on Substack!

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